The stars align for Stuart Broad's farewell ... before the sky starts to fall in
The Australian team ensured their pre-play huddle was prompt, to be in position for the guard of honour. Those in the stands were in place earlier than they had been over the previous three days of this fifth Test, despite Sunday's train disruptions. Some had even brought homemade signs with them. Nothing particularly over the top, of course. Mainly block letters, coloured in, a few doodles on the side - that kind of thing. Whatever your creativity could muster with 17 hours' notice.
As the clock ticked towards the start of day four, there was no sign of The One we were all waiting for. Even the England staff members loitering outside the dressing-room doors peered in to check how much longer he'd be. Those in the Baggy Green Boulevard started getting a bit restless, arching their necks up to the home balcony, while the punters in the JM Finn stand squinted for clues to his presence. Of course Stuart Broad was fashionably late for his own leaving do.
It was on Friday at 8.30pm that Broad decided this would be his 167th and final Test, and just after 6.30pm on Saturday when he informed the world. Even the best cricketers don't get to choose precisely how they walk away from the game. But an outstanding personal series, coupled with the match situation - Australia had a first-innings lead of 12 on Friday night, before England moved 377 ahead by Saturday to put a 2-2 series draw on the cards - had framed this as the perfect time to pull the pin. He had one more walk to the middle, alongside James Anderson as part of a last-wicket stand, which would be the first of at least two guaranteed ovations on Sunday. Perhaps there'd be a third as he bowled them to victory one last time? At that juncture, it could not be ruled out. A player whose most spectacular moments have involved bending a chaotic game to his whim seemed to have his destiny on strings.
When Broad eventually emerged, the eruption throughout the ground was exactly as expected. It feels obvious to state a bloke with 602 Test wickets over a stretch of time long enough to legally buy a packet of cigarettes has been a key figure in England's greatest triumphs of the recent era. But knowing this could be his final day added an emotional heft to the tickets presented at the gates this morning, and a few extra pounds on those being touted outside.
The walk down the steps was dignified and slow. Broad removed his helmet at the bottom of the steps as if peeling back a veil to let us all bask in his splendour. By now, Anderson was lagging behind, so he paused at the bottom of an Australian tunnel, just about holding it together - structurally rather than emotionally - to embrace his long-time bowling partner. A squeeze of the shoulders, a look into each other's eyes before Broad strode off in front to receive the applause from his opponents.
It was an oddly symbolic moment. Two players tethered together for so long through their longevity and occupation will finally separate. But it was Broad, prior to this series the Robin of England's dynamic duo, who was getting the bells-and-whistles swansong - notwithstanding that his partner Anderson is arguably the greatest Test cricketer England have ever produced. The bloke who had to make do with second choice on ends got first dibs on exit. On Anderson's 41st birthday, no less. Surely Broad did not blow out his candles, too?
By now, you were waiting for the next bit of this celebration: a procession of all of Broad's Test victims, a tribute to his Celebrappeal from the Red Arrows, just straight across the Kia Oval before veering away to be embraced in the slip cordon of constellations. England needed to fashion a few quick runs, get Australia in, and set about winning this Test to ensure the tourists's retention of the Ashes was as hollow as possible. There was still a game to be won. Then the singles started being turned down.
Why? No one really knew. Broad faced up to Mitchell Starc with everyone on the fence. A few scythes and bunts found space, but Broad stayed put, and clearly not to protect Anderson, given that at no point did he do that on Saturday evening. Just as it seemed this was all getting a little bit silly, as cynical thoughts entered the mind that the pageantry might impose on the professionalism, Starc dug one short and Broad smeared it over square leg for six.
Touchpaper lit, the crowd went wild. Broadmania will never die - and when Anderson played out four odd dots before falling to Todd Murphy, there was confirmation that it will live forever. His last ball in Test cricket: a six off a bouncer. The most amount of runs scored off his least favourite delivery.
There was not enough time to register the absurdity of those 11 deliveries. Broad was back out there within minutes, this time with the rest of his team, headband and bowling boots on, brand new Dukes in hand, David Warner in his sights. Australia needed a seemingly unlikely 384 for victory, with time to bat, but this was not about them. As Broad bristled at the top of his mark, Joe Root turned from first slip to goad the crowd into turning up the heat.
Six overs later, things had already gone cold. Broad was taken out of the attack by Ben Stokes and replaced with Chris Woakes. There were two notable edges, one off the inside, another short of Ben Duckett at third slip, both from Warner. By the time Broad returned in the 15th over, Warner's and Usman Khawaja's partnership had moved past fifty, and were on 61 when he was hooked again.
That second spell, also of three overs, was primarily cutters. It was those deliveries that did for Australia on this ground back in 2009, with 5 for 37 - the first recorded sighting of one of those Broad spells. This time, they were simply attempts to rouse a pitch that clearly did not know this was supposed to be his day.
At 2.43pm, the rains that would eventually see play abandoned settled in. And as Broad sat through what he and England hopes will be his final such delay, the big screen looped his highlights and Saturday night's interview, in which he had first declared this would be it.
By the time the mercy of an abandonment came, everyone had already given up. The punters who thought they possessed a golden ticket walked away with enough play to ensure they were not entitled to their silver back, while nursing the very real possibility of Australia pulling off an audacious chase to triumph 3-1, with 249 still to get and all 10 wickets remaining.
It seems even the most perfectly judged retirements are not perfect at all. Then again, who knows what the final day of this series may bring. After all, this is Stuart Broad we're talking about.