Freedom leads to freefall as England batters abdicate responsibility
They say this England dressing room is a great place to be. Encouragement for days, emotional reinforcement for weeks. Conversations to take your mind off the cricket. Crosswords to take you away from those conversations. Amenable to your needs and wants, catering to your emotions whether good or bad.
Ben Stokes had been back in for no more than 10 minutes before he decided to duck out, moving to the balcony to sit alone on one of the benches. He spent enough time in home dressing room to change out of his whites and into his teal training gear. As he sat there, bucket hat pulled over his eyes to cover the forehead frowns, it was clear he wanted time to himself.
His gaze was fixed out onto the field, where he had spent all of two balls. An innings resumed on 17 off 57 was ended abruptly by Mitchell Starc, squared up for an edge to Cameron "Gully" Green. Soon, Brendon McCullum went out to join him, sitting close enough to feel the seethe emanating from his body.
Perhaps it was contagious because it was not long before the head coach was donning a scowl. But while a pillar of McCullum's relationship with Stokes is empathy, this was not simply emotionally mirroring his captain. He is understood to be just as dismayed at how things have played out in the last few days. And as the pair watched their Test team use the freedom both had bestowed upon them to carry Thursday night's inexplicable implosion into Friday morning, their unrest was as public as ever.
The shambolic descent from 188 for 1 was completed by 12.30pm on day three. A collapse of 3 for 34 "bettered" by a terminal 6 for 46. Australia had been gifted a first innings lead of 91, which they reinforced to 221 by stumps.
Harry Brook bagging the worst shot of the innings was arguably the most impressive thing about it all, particularly given the stiff competition provided by Ben Duckett, Joe Root and Ollie Pope. But secure it he did, backing away to the leg side and scuffing a pull shot to Pat Cummins at cover with all the conviction and grace of a man swatting away a hornet with a pan full of hot oil. Jonny Bairstow's punched drive straight to mid-on barely a spec on the WTF? radar.
This was nonsense manifest. Dereliction of duty marketed as an attacking line-up doing what they've always done.
Assistant coach Jeetan Patel said it was no cop-out to say this "aggressive brand" was "not always going to come off". But it kind of is when you lean on that crutch in this situation, with the stakes as high as they have ever been, what with this being the second of five matches of an Ashes series where you're 1-0 down.
No one who witnessed their approach last year - the home summer against New Zealand, India and South Africa and the tour of Pakistan - saw similarities to then and now. And it is important not to conflate this dirge with the calculated, controlled aggression they had nailed by the turn of the year. Even if some of the players seem to be.
You only need to return to last week's two-wicket loss in the opener at Edgbaston to find a crisper version of whatever this was. Across both innings of the first Test, England played out broadly the same percentage of dot balls (57.4% to 58% at Lord's) and attacked less (43.1% to 46.6%). And yet they managed a greater proportion of boundaries (8.5% to 5.8%) and a lower proportion of false shots (15.8% to 21.1%).
Part of the reason McCullum hated the term "Bazball" was because he felt it reduced England's approach to glorified slogging. That the pejorative meaning is creeping to the fore is squarely on those entrusted to maintain its sanctity.
Now is as good a time as any to talk about trust. Unlike previous Ashes series where media engagements have been kept to a minimum, McCullum and Stokes figured giving players ownership of their games extended to off-field matters.
Following the interviews given by Zak Crawley - "we'll win by, I don't know, 150" - and Ollie Robinson stirring the pot enough to turn the contents to mush, there is fear, and a hint of anger, among the management group, including managing director Rob Key, that they have lost their bearings. Whether high on their own supply or merely indulging the hype, all this freedom is being taken for granted. The responsibility that came as part of this deal is not being upheld.
That's the thing about responsibility. You only really discover the limits of how much an individual or group can handle when they've been given too much. A team that love boundaries could do with a few more.
They're also falling foul of the loosest of their tenets - to entertain the fans and each other. Those of an English persuasion watching this Friday of an Ashes Test - did you find that entertaining?
And did it seem like England were having fun? The bowlers certainly weren't, and we can't be far away from the re-emergence of an age-old rift between them and the batters. Almost 24 hours after the quicks had rattled through the final five wickets of Australia's first innings for 77, James Anderson, Stuart Broad, Robinson and Josh Tongue had their bowling boots back on before lunch on day three.
More toil is on the horizon, the kind England seemingly think is beneath them. It's worth noting England have been 323 for 6, 129 for 3 and 188 for 1 in three innings so far, and yet Australia have not had to call upon a second new ball. It's a favour that will certainly not be reciprocated.
Ultimately, this is about respect. Respect for the game. Respect for the Ashes. Respect for the opposition. Respect for your teammates. Respect for your fans. And, well, respect for yourselves.
Of course, just like last year, they could chase down whatever they are set in the fourth innings in one spectacular act of force-feeding humble pie to the doubters-turned-haters.
"We've seen some crazy things from this team," Patel said. "This team's about breaking records."
Well, you could describe some of this as "crazy". And if this team are to get back to those old ways, and back into the Ashes, they need to break some emerging bad habits.